In one way or another, we all struggle with thoughts of negativity that live in our minds. On one hand, we feel driven to succeed, to go out in the world and prove our worth and our abilities to ourselves and to everyone.
Somehow, this has a way of putting us under pressure to constantly improve ourselves even to the point of perfection, there’s also the pressure from the need to support and care for our families, plus other endless life’s demands that we have to juggle through every day. Add to all of that is now this unconscious bias, trying to make us feel we’re not good enough, undermining ourselves and our efforts over and over until we’re exhausted. This feeling can sometimes be overwhelming.
In order to manage this pressure, some people tend to deflect the successes we record often and make them feel irrelevant, take up less or avoid responsibilities or even play down other people’s success so they don’t have to feel the pressure to aspire to them. The truth is that many of us aren’t really feeling the liberation we have to shine and achieve whatever we want to achieve. More often than not, we feel undermined, under pressure and overwhelmed.
This is even more so for the twenty-first century woman, living in a free country with reasonably equal opportunities for both men and women. Women are now under a lot more pressure to now do things and aspire to heights that our grandmothers never really dreamt of.
These pressures can sometimes lead to “a fear” which Gail Evans, in her book; “She Wins, You Win”, calls the Impostor Syndrome; “a fear that others will discover that she is not capable of meeting the responsibilities of her role”. Even though intellectually, she may acknowledge and recognize that there certain things in maybe a new role could be unfamiliar at first and there might be a need to develop new skills to fill those gaps, however, it sometimes doesn’t prevent her from ‘feeling like a fraud’ and living in fear of being exposed as such.
Not to make it sound one-sided, imposter is quite common and affects both men and women. It is often more prevalent amongst people who, maybe by the nature of their work, tend to appear to be more successful and confident to others even though they do not really think so of themselves.
One way to find out if you’re suffering from this syndrome and carrying around some every negative thoughts about yourself – or limiting beliefs is when you make statements as these to yourself:
- I can’t do this job very well
- Other people seem to be better, cleverer or more confident than me
- Other people’s opinions are worth more than mine.
- Other people find it easier to get things done than I do
- I’m not the sort of person to be really successful
- I’m only fooling people into thinking I can do this….
And the list goes on, but I’m sure by now you already get the gist.
So you see it’s not just about thinking negative things about yourself, but also making a lot of assumptions about other people. Forgetting that you actually, truly don’t’ know if other people are confident, cleverer or find things easier to do than yourself. They’ve only been able to make that impression on you but the truth remains, you do not know how they feel inside, any more than they do know about how you feel inside.
So how can one break free from this negative thought?
- The first thing is to realize that you’re doing it. Do any of the items mentioned above sound familiar to you? Then you’ve got to at least recognize that you’ve got them and put it out there in the open.
- Next is to remind yourself that these are just thoughts, not facts. They’re just notions you have and they might actually be true or untrue and in this case, they are more likely to be untrue.
- The last part is to try to replace these negative thoughts with more positive ones. Thoughts that can help you build self-confidence in yourself and your abilities not minding what other people think or may not think about you or your accomplishments.
Here’s a simple exercise you can try in order to try to change those negative thoughts
Take any negative thoughts that you struggle with often (maybe from the list above) and write it down.
Then ask yourself the following questions:
- Do I really believe this?
- Is it true? Can I absolutely say that it’s true?
- Could I be wrong about it?
- What evidence do I have for this thought?
- How does thinking this makes me feel?
- How would I feel if I didn’t have this thought?
- How would I act differently?
If you think long and deep enough about any such negative thoughts, you would realize that subjecting these thoughts to very close scrutiny could reveal how very far from the truth they are.
The next step is to reverse the order and this time, write down some positive beliefs or thoughts that can help to build your self-confidence. Thoughts such as:
- I am very capable and good at this job
- I can learn and develop new skills whenever I need to
- I have achieved a lot and can achieve even more
- My opinion is worth as much as anyone else’s
Ask yourself whether these new beliefs could be just as true as the old ones. Look for evidence that supports them, begin to act on them, and strengthen them (just as you did with the old ones).
I’ll bet you’d be surprised at yourself for what will become of you if you keep reaffirming these thoughts to yourself constantly every day for a long time. You’ll be UNSTOPPABLE, to say the least.
In summary, the three key steps are:
- Try to catch yourself thinking the old thoughts and stop them.
- Question them, and remind yourself they’re just thoughts, not facts.
- And lastly work on replacing them with some new, more positive beliefs.
This isn’t about deluding yourself or trying to ignore reality. Your old thoughts weren’t real either, so why stick with them?
Another thing you can do is to get feedback from other people around you whom you respect. People you know would be very honest and forthright with you. If you don’t have one, then don’t bother but if you do, then go for it. You’ll probably be surprised that their views about you are more positive than your own!
Confront your fears, challenge them and conquer them.
The people who do are those that move ahead in life swiftly, more easily, and much more joyfully.
With Love and gratitude as always, Xo!
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Disclaimer: Please note that I am not your doctor while I am a health coach by profession. This article is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice nor does it establish any kind of medical relationship between you and me. I will not be held liable for any damage resulting from or related to your use of this information.